When I look back on all the writing I did those years I was trying to “find myself” I notice that there’s a vulnerability in the breaking down of a person. I wrote from such honest spaces, it’s cathartic to read them again. Re-member those moments that I felt alive in the newness of small, but calculated decisions. I found bliss in the smallest things. I gave myself permission to make big mistakes, and then I wrote about them- lit by the glow of my phone screen, I blogged endlessly trying to understand my patterns of toxicity.
I realize the last time I blogged about my relationship on here was my 26th birthday. I’ve had 3 rotations with Ed by my side since. I turned to writing in a journal again that first year, then started a blog on my website. By accident I typed in WordPress and remembered this space. I’ve talked about how I want to take these poems and ramblings and make a book. The title keeps changing, but what feels more appropriate these days is the countdown to my 30th.
Maybe 25-30 is the winner.
I stuck Lepidolite, a “stone of transition”, on my forehead yesterday as I was walking to the gallery to perform my 1 human show. I often get stones in the moments and let them charge in the sun before I absolutely need them. This was one of the 2 stones I grabbed before leaving the house yesterday.
” Lepidolite assists in the release and reorganization of old behavioral and psychological patterns, gently inducing change. It brings deep emotional healing, soothing and reducing stress and depression. Lepidolite dissipates negativity and insists on being used for the highest good.”
I woke up before the sun today. I feel like it’s the first day of school and I’m so excited I barely slept. Will probably go back to bed after this. I am trying to practice gratitude and self love. And I am also trying not to feel guilt or shame for the choices I made. Being present is a life long practice, and I need to remind myself of that as well. I don’t wake up suddenly and find myself completely present. It doesn’t work that way. It’s not some dimension that I am excluded from, it is a confidence game. It is a mental state. I want to be able to love myself enough to be there and not wherever my doubts take me. I’ve been stuck in the past this week. With this show finally getting an audience and these moments finally getting some piece of peace, I can begin to let it all go and focus on the new chapter. Saturn Return is a time of deep reflection, and how amazing is it that I get to share mine with loving and supportive people. Ancestors watching over me for sure. I can’t wait to tell my stories tonight. I can’t wait to feel the energy in the room as I reflect in front of an audience. It’s going to be great, I will allow myself to be great, I will allow myself to feel the love.
I don’t know if I should even begin this post. I know it won’t come out nice. But ever since I could remember I have never been able to take my own advice.
I’ve met my match and I honestly thought that was that. Challenges have amplified. Simple roadblocks have become big facts.
Maybe i’m overreacting? Maybe i’m not grounded as I’ve had myself believe. I want to run away, I don’t want to admit it, but I want to leave.
I want to leave to…
I want to leave too…
For the good.
- So of course my stubborn ass has had dairy even though I said I wouldn’t. I’ve learned that it fucks with my skin and hair. Damn hormones.
- I have definitely been on instagram to promote my current show and keep track of social media for the company I work for.
- We have been out to eat a few times
- and because of how busy this week has been and the quality of my skin these days, makeup hasn’t been a real priority so that’s good news
I want to get a haircut. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I’m kind of sick of my long hair. Maybe this is a test in patience. It hasn’t been really really long in years..
Well, I tell myself not to have any cheese and then of course almost every day this week I had some thing with cheese in it. The cheese tortellini fucked me up the most. I’m for sure in denial about my lactose in tolerance.
Last Saturday, we definitely went out for Korean BBQ so that’s also been successful.
I haven’t checked instagram or twitter once. Facebook maybe once or twice.. to promote a show!
I had an audition on Monday. For a print ad. Which never happens for me. So that was exciting. Other than that..
I think I’ve been pretty successful. It’s almost as if my brain and body was like, “oh you mean like no ____ at all?! Ok every day!!” especially about cheese. I have noticed that I am so bloated. Have FINALLY stopped bleeding and am back on track with my period. I guess the dairy helped? or not/ Idk.
I’m giving up and letting go of the following pleasures for LENT:
- Going out to eat. I’ve done this once before when I was living in Santa Maria. I think I was pretty successful! We’ll see how it goes this year.
- Wearing makeup. I’ve never done this. But more and more I realize how much I rely on makeup to make me feel a certain way. With my discovery of contouring and filling in my eyebrows I don’t think I really ever leave the house without it. This one will be hard.. but there’s one thing I know that will improve. My ability to show up earlier to things.
- Dairy & red meat. I already try to cut back on my dairy intake, mostly cheese. And I don’t really eat red meat any way..But absolutely no dairy for the next 45 days will be hard. Especially around my period.
- Junk Food. This is kind of in the same vain as dairy. I’m not as bad as I used to be. But I do catch myself walking in to corner stores for snacks more often than not. It’s tough when you’re always on the go.
- Social media: instagram, twitter, facebook. yeah. ok. this one is not easy. I definitely woke up and wanted to tweet something. I stayed on my phone for a little too long this morning, maybe I’ll use that time to go back to my gratitude journal.
I’m not aiming for perfection but there is something about taking out the things I know that I indulge in for a time and noticing the differences- Especially going out to eat and spending too much time on my face. I’m excited to see what happens. Lol.
See you in April!
I don’t know why I keep thinking that this day is more important than my actual birthday which is tomorrow. And I don’t know why I have such a weird relationship to the number 27. 27 is the only 2-digit number in which the sum of digits is equal to the sum of prime factors. According to Google. And that’s cool but what significance does that have to the human life? The 27 Club has always felt like a weird, resonating idea with me. Like I felt like I had some weird connection to it? Or maybe that’s my imagination and my childhood and too much MTV and VH1. Who really knows. All I know is I am 27 tomorrow and I have made myself very busy. I am auditioning for a school tomorrow morning, have an important phone call around noon, a vegan brunch that I planned myself, and then another audition at 4pm for a company that I’ve been wanting to work for. I keep thinking back to my 25th birthday and inviting people over to have drinks with me and creating a ridiculous song and how much of a different person I am now. And working towards all of this. And I can’t help but think who do I really have in my corner right now? Who is actually here for me? And why do I feel like I am here on my own right now? Even though I am here. I am here and that is enough. I can celebrate myself without a room full of people. I got me.
I’m always caught in between ‘is this a sign from my Ancestors? and anxiety” Between “I will do it! and what will?” Between “help me, and I got it” I really don’t know. I’m upset and frustrated for no real reason, no logical reason, other than I don’t know. I don’t know. I have no answers. Not for what I’m feeling. And not for what I’m experiencing. It’s the unknown, and it scares the actual shit out of me. I never realized how comfortable I had been in the past until now. The first few months of cohabitation were fucking rough. I never knew how much I loved my solitude until I had to plan it. Yes, I love having my own place. Yes, I love being able to cook my own meals without having to clean up some one else’s mess (all the time) but it was hard. This happens every month. I have to remind myself that in this life, I have not experienced any of this before. I do not know the outcome, I do not know what conflict may arise, I do not know. And I have to be ok with that. I need to be ok with not knowing, I need to live in the unknown. I must, in order to continue growing. And what I do know, what I do feel, my intuition, no matter how scary, is real. Accepting the unknown had gotten me this far. Let’s not go in to hiding now.