I release thee!

I finally put The Kaylamay Project out. It only took a year and a whole ass pandemic to let it go. I don’t know why I was holding on so much. But it feels good. I’m inspired to get back to my storytelling..it’s been a few years now. I’ve put my process on the back burner for work, which happens. When Ed went full time actor in 2019 I was so jealous. I wish I had the bravery to do that. Now that everything is remote I can definitely do the same. But when? Slowly..

Taking these first steps have been tough. I know that I needed to get into better shape, not just physically but mentally, spiritually. And I know it all doesn’t happen all at once. I started a 90 day journey about a month ago. This week marks the end of week 3 and I’m pretty proud of how I’ve kept up with it all. I will be honest and admit I am currently emotionally eating. Here’s something that’s been on my mind lately.. Can two people be great together? Can two people have dreams? I’ve always been a little jealous. And I’m sure my way of explaining and justifying out loud doesn’t always come off as jealousy, but truthfully- it is. At the core of that expression I know I am thinking and feeling “wait..but what am I doing wrong?! Why can’t I be that confident? why can’t I put myself out there like that?” We watched Ed’s movie last night and I couldn’t help but feel that jealousy. I am not leading lady material in this world of tall skinny model esque people. I am a proud weirdo, but I also want to believe I am also beautiful. Model – esque sometimes. So I had. sour face on most of it. Because I was jealous. I don’t even know why I’m putting this out there. I don’t want to hold on to this emotion. Maybe that’s why then, so I can just let this shit go. The funny thing about playing pretend is that it looks real. So just because it didn’t really happen in a private sense in a way that makes it real because it’s literally a script, I am watching it all happen. I’m in a funk. I’mm trying to get out of said funk.. I just don’t know right now. It all feels pretty bad. No matter where I turn. Why does this always happen right when I’m about to fly home?